Something else that has been on my mind in these past few weeks is that February is a month that people either enjoy, or dread. It's the month of LOVE! The day that involves the most culturally twisted holiday - Valentine's Day! Where people spend ample amounts of money and time just to tell someone how much they love them. Or, some people detest the holiday for that very reason. Either way, it's not a holiday that has resonated very strongly for me. But as I reflect on this recently passed holiday, it has caused me to re-evaluate my definition of "love". I'm a firm believer that actions speak louder than words, and although words of affection can be spoken (which is very important), the behavior of an individual offers much greater insight into their true feelings. To take it a step further, as I anxiously await the arrival of my baby, I'm faced with the daunting concept that my idea of love will completely change! I know my world is going to be turned upside down, and will never be the same. But no matter how hard I try to grasp the concept, I know that there is absolutely nothing that can prepare me for the moment when I finally meet this little girl. Love will completely be redefined. And that thought is somewhat scary. If I allow myself to over examine it, the unfounded idea that I may not be capable of this "new" love begins to spread through my mind. How will I know what she needs? How will I make sure she knows how much she is loved, without coddling or spoiling her? Will I be able to make my love apparent, even if I'm not always physically present or available? These questions are huge and worth contemplating. But at the same time, I feel such relief with the fact that they don't cause me unnecessary anxiety. I have an extreme sense of calm - knowing that God will provide everything that I need in order to give her everything that she needs. No, that does not mean that this upcoming transition will be perfect or easy, but it does mean that it's going to happen, no matter what, and that I am not in complete control of it. Coming from a control-freak, the idea of not being in complete control is actually quite calming. In a backwards sort of way :) I'll do my best and all that I can, but in the end, God will provide. And I'm so thankful for this graciously given peace.
